


mindspace

by dumb_boy_writings



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bullying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, ahdjfkskdfj that tag so damn funnie, does it count as a panic attack, except i dont get bullied, its just me projecting tbh, maybe? idk i just modeled it after how i would react, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:55:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24554263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumb_boy_writings/pseuds/dumb_boy_writings
Summary: And it’s all Akaashi can think, lying there, sprawled out on the floor, bleeding from his mouth, all he can think isMaybe being kicked in the stomach will help my back posture.Or, the h/c bokuaka fic I wrote instead of going to sleeby
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 8
Kudos: 142





	mindspace

**Author's Note:**

> Wowie, this shit angsty
> 
> In all honesty this is just me projecting my shitty mental health onto the closest character in proximity
> 
> TW Homophobia, Blood

In all honesty, maybe it _was_ his fault.

Akaashi is pushed up against a locker, the hands of some kid he doesn’t know the name of gripping the collar of his shirt. Moments ago, he had been minding his own business in the hallway, and now he’s here, some stranger’s breath gassing his personal space.

As the reality of it all sets in, Akaashi can feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins. For the first time in several months, he feels truly _alive_ , even out of fear.

“‘Course a fucking homo like you finds it hot.”

Ah. He must have been smirking, or doing something of the like, because the next thing he knows he’s on the floor, cold tile pressing against his cheek.

He barely has a second to recoil, though, before a foot meets his stomach.

Again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

By the fifth time, it seems his attacker has lost interest. He struts off, still carrying Akaashi’s bag to who knows where.

_Oh, my phone’s still in there._

Something salty pools in Akaashi’s mouth, and although he doesn’t have the energy to spit it out, it drips out moments later. _Blood_.

And it’s all Akaashi can think, lying there, sprawled out on the floor, bleeding from his mouth, all he can think is

_Maybe being kicked in the stomach will help my back posture._

It’s laughable how painfully optimistic his mind chooses to be.

_Or maybe I’ll throw up breakfast and not gain those pounds._

And there’s _those_ kinds of thoughts as well.

All he can do is think these things as his innards ache and the rain pounds outside.

_At least I’ll have a reason for feeling like shit._

He’s used to his mind working like this, being aware of his problems but unable to fix them, lest he break the façade of his “good life”.

He does have a good life. He gets good grades, has a stable home environment, and (excluding today) doesn’t get bullied much at school. Of course there’s the whole “hopelessly pining for your best friend” situation, but romance doesn’t count towards a good or bad life.

Oh. Wait.

_Shit._

**_Bo._ **

_What if Bokuto saw me like this-_

He cuts himself off, if only for a second, but tears are already welling in the corner of his eyes. He’s supposed to be the strong one, Bo’s the one whose parents are divorced and whose grades are faltering, Bo’s the one who goes into a funk when he misses a spike, and _Akaashi_ is the one who’s _there for him_ , _every time-_

If Akaashi can’t be strong, then who is he?

The tears are more than just welling up now.

Through his sobs and hitched breaths, he hears footsteps from the other end of the hallway. He looks up and catches a glimpse of light, mousy hair.

Anahori.

A _first-year._

Then there are more tears flowing down Akaashi’s face, _why did a_ first-year _have to see him, it’s supposed to be the other way around-_

“Akaashi-san?!”

The footsteps get louder and farther between, until Anahori is right by his side. He crouches down to face Akaashi, brows notting and mouth agape. “Oh my _god_ Akaashi-san are you okay?!”

_Stay calm, stay calm, stay_ **_fucking_ ** _calm. Don’t show your weakness, you’re the strong one. You’re alright, you're fine, you're going to get up and be fine like nothing-_

More tears flood down his face as his response. Inside, he’s panicking, but it seems his body is disconnected to his mind right now, probably from shock.

“Akaashi-san, you’re bleeding!”

He still can’t respond, only looking into his kouhai’s eyes, which infuriates Akaashi’s mind to no end. _Why am I making eye contact? I’m just going to keep thinking these things-_

“Akaashi-san, I’m going to go get a teacher.”

_No, no,_ ** _no, NO._** _If a teacher sees me they’re going to find out who did it, and he’s never going to leave me alone for the rest of high school, not to mention my parents will find out and my mom will lecture me somehow, and of course she’ll do it in that “aren’t you disappointed in yourself” kind of way, not to mention she’ll finally find out something’s wrong, and once she finds one thing, she’ll find out about everything else-_

“ _No,_ ” he manages to croak out, bridging the gap between mind and body if only for a moment.

“Okay…? Then I’m going to get one of the third-years.”

Akaashi doesn’t respond, mind still caught up in the teacher scenario.

He’s pulled out of his mind minutes later by a hand on his shoulder and one of his senpais’ voices.

“Akaashi. Shit, Akaashi, what happened?”

Oh, it’s Konoha. If it had been Sarukui or Komi or Washio, maybe he could have talked them into keeping it a secret, but now everyone’s gonna know. Not that Konoha’s a gossip, but he’s the second-most caring out of the team, and if someone on the team got hurt he’d tell the team so they could enact retribution.

“Akaashi, can you talk?”

He’s a little further in off the ledge now, and more lucid, so he’s able to sit up and wipe the blood off of his mouth. He swishes the blood inside his mouth and swallows it.

“Who did this?”

There’s a thinly-veiled rage in Konoha’s voice that Akaashi notices but is unable to react to, still a bit out of it from his spiralling. “Some kid-“ he says, finding it difficult to speak.

“We need to take you to the nurse.”

“ _No.”_

Konoha looks confused, but he continues.

“Why’d this guy beat you up?”

_Shit._ At this point, he really only has two options: 1) Out himself to Konoha, and by extension the whole team, or 2) Try to lie to Konoha, which is like trying to lie to Akaashi himself. He’ll act like he believed you until you just confessed.

Neither option is very appealing, and both have the same outcome. It’s not like he doesn’t trust his team, but if his attack today was anything to go by, then _someone_ on his team is bound to not be happy about their star setter liking guys.

Luckily, a third option presents itself as Akaashi finds his eyelids suddenly flop, along with his body as he feels his head loll over Konoha’s shoulder.

“Shit, okay,” is the last thing he hears before he blacks out.

———

Akaashi wakes with a start, which is unusual, as usually his dreams float away rather peacefully. 

He looks at his watch, which is still on his wrist for some reason. _But it’s not- and I’m not-_

“Hey, you, you’re finally awake.”

A fake gruff voice comes from across the room. Akaashi turns his head and sees that it belongs to Sarukui, who’s sitting on a bench and reading a magazine.

“Walked straight into the imperial ambush, same as us and that thief over there.”

The line is completed by Komi, who’s sitting on the next bench over and playing on a handheld gaming console. Akaashi never pegged Komi as a Tamagotchi kind of guy.

He rubs his eyes. “Shit, what happened?”

Sarukui snickered. “Dude, we should be asking _you_ that question. Aki comes in carrying your _passed out_ ass, with an anxious kouhai tailing.”

“What the fuck happened, man?” Komi asked.

Oh, that’s right. He got assaulted, kicked in the stomach until he bled, had a breakdown in front of _Konoha_ and _Anahori_ , the two teammates who cared the most, and then passed out.

“Shit, it’s 5:38, I gotta find my bag,” he started, swinging his legs off of the bench he was lying on.

“No can do, buddy. Strict orders from Konoha to ‘make that boy get some goddamn rest’,” Sarukui said, standing up.

“No, you don’t understand, I need to-“

At that moment, the door to the storage closet swung open and Akaashi saw Suzumeda shout to the rest of the gym, “I _told_ you I heard talking!”

Quickly after, the whole team shuffles into the room, and it’s suddenly _very crowded_ in this tiny storage closet.

“Where’s Bokuto-san?” is the first thing he asks when everyone is inside, and he almost slaps himself for it. Here are all his teammates, all worried _so much_ for him, and all he can think about is his _crush_.

“Ah, he… he went to go look for you, before Anahori-kun came and got me,” Konoha says.

“Hold on, lemme text him,” Shirofuku says. “He still has his phone. Didn’t even get changed or anything, just saw that you weren’t here and ran off to find you.”

She digs into her pocket for her phone and types a message.

“Soooooo, are we going to address the elephant in the room?” Sarukui says.

“Yeah Akaashi, are we?” Konoha sounds genuinely angry. “Anahori finds you curled up in a fetal position and _bleeding_ , and you beg him not to get a teacher. So he gets me, and you beg me not to take you to the nurse. What the hell’s going on?”

“You didn’t tell the coach, did you?” He doesn’t mean to sound so blunt, but it comes out that way.

“He’s at a meeting. But why are you so insistent about adults not knowing?”

“I-I don’t want my mom to find out,” Akaashi says, looking at the floor.

“And why the _hell_ don’t you want your mom to know?”

_Because if I tell her about the bullying, she’ll find out about the spiralling that happens after. Then she’ll find out about everything else that stays locked up in my brain._

But of course he can’t explain that to Konoha. No one will believe that his loving mother, who provides and cares for her family, scares him to the bone. No one will believe that as soon as he shows that he’s not a poster child, he’ll be as good as dead to her.

So he uses the best excuse he can come up with on the spot.

“It-it was a family matter!”

_What._

“That’s why the guy was beating me up!”

_The._

“And if my mom finds out, I’ll be in trouble with the rest of the family!”

_Hell, Keiji?_

“You said it was just some kid, right? How can you have family beef with someone you don’t know?”

“It was, um. It was my cousin, who um, talked shit to his cousin?”

_This is one ass of an excuse._

“Guys, Bokuto texted back. ‘Haven’t found Akaashi yet, frowny face. But I found his bag in the fountain.’” Shirofuku says, holding her phone.

_My bag. My_ **_phone_ **.

Without warning, Akaashi leaps off of his bench and pushes through Onaga and Washio, who are standing by the door, and out through the door into the gym. Black dots swim in the corner of his vision, but he’s able to ignore them as he sprints down the familiar hallways.

It’s late in the afternoon and raining, so naturally, no-one’s in the courtyard.

Except, of course, for Bokuto.

He’s standing facing the fountain, so he can’t see Akaashi, but the latter’s quiet nonetheless. Bokuto’s normally spiked hair is sopping wet and hanging on his head like a mop. He’s looking at his phone, with Akaashi’s bag sitting by his feet, _under an umbrella_.

“Bokuto-san?” Akaashi calls out into the courtyard, startling the aforementioned. He turns around almost immediately, and runs towards Akaashi, smothering him in a hug.

Akaashi winces involuntarily at the squeeze.

“Is everything okay, Aghaashi?”

“Yeah, Bokuto-san, I’m fine. Sorry for scaring you. My books all fell out of my locker and I had to put them back in.”

“No-one pushed them out, right?”

“What? No.”

Bokuto grins. “Good.”

Akaashi feels a little bad for lying to Bokuto, but not enough to ever tell the truth. He has to be strong, and he can deal with his problems by himself.

“Speaking of my books,” Akaashi says and points to his bag.

“Oh! Right!” Bokuto grabs his hand and drags him over to where the bag is sitting, under an umbrella. 

“I tried to keep it as dry as I could, but I still wanted to stay here in case someone came looking for me.”

“... You did a pretty good job, Bokuto-san.”

Still, unfortunately, Akaashi’s bag is thoroughly drenched, and his phone is completely fried.

_Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,_

“ _Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,_ my mom’s gonna kill me.”

“Oh. Then you can stay at my place!”

“No, it’s- what?”

“You can stay at my place if your mom is gonna be mad at you.”

“I- Bokuto-san, you’re staying at your dad’s place this week, though?”

“So? I want you to feel safe.”

This, surprisingly (or unsurprisingly), makes Akaashi cry.

“‘Kaashi?”

“Bokuto-san, I’m sorry,” he sniffles.

“What are you sorry for?”

“I was going to invite you to my place, since you have to stay with your dad, but my mom’s really busy today, and I could only ask her at 6, and now my phone is…”

He sobs more, and it blends with the rain.

“‘Kaashi…”

“And _I’m_ supposed to be here for _you_ , but now _you_ have to save _me_ ,”

He vaguely registers Bokuto wrapping his arm around Akaashi’s torso, and leading him inside. He’s crying too hard to notice much.

All of his worst fears are coming true in front of his eyes. He’s being vulnerable and weak and _pathetic_ in front of Bokuto, who needs him to be strong, and he’s not. He’s a failure.

“Well, look what we have here?”

A familiar voice jolts him from his spiralling, and he finds himself curled up and leaning on Bokuto’s shoulder, sitting against a wall near the courtyard.

“Looks like the little homo’s gotten himself a boyfriend.”

Akaashi can _feel_ Bokuto bristle at the statement, and he weakly puts up his arm to stop him, but it’s too late. Bokuto tenderly sets him against the wall and stands up to face the stranger. Through his heavy eyelids Akaashi can see that Bokuto is at least 10cm taller than him. It’s funny, seeing someone so previously violent look so intimidated.

Bokuto grabs the kid by the collar and holds him in the air, much like how the kid held Akaashi just a bit earlier. “Now,” he starts, “ _What_ did you say about Akaashi?”

The kid immediately puts his hands up as best he can in the air. “Duh, nothing!” he squeaks.

Apparently satisfied, Bokuto drops his collar and yells “Scram!” The kid lands on his feet and runs off.

Bokuto sits back down next to Akaashi, who is still crying, and wraps his arm around him again, stroking his hair. Akaashi doesn’t have the energy to tell him to stop.

“‘Kaashi, how come you never told me?”

Oh. Oh no. _That_ gets Akaashi’s anxiety running, and perks him up a bit.

He fumbles to explain. “Well, Iwasworriedyou’dthinkitwasweirdandIdidn’twanttoruinourfriendship-“

“No, not that. I couldn’t care less who you like. I mean, why didn’t you tell me people were giving you trouble?”

“...”

“Even today. Shirofuku texted me about what happened, but you just said you had trouble with your locker. Why don’t you tell me these things?”

Akaashi sputters. “I… Well… It’s just that you have so many problems in your life and I don’t want to add mine.”

He doesn’t explain how he’s the strong one, though. He doesn’t think anyone will get that.

“‘Kaashi, I _want_ to deal with your problems.”

“...”

“Please?”

Maybe just _talking_ about his life wouldn’t hurt.

“Okay.”

Bokuto grins one of his signature grins and grabs Akaashi’s hand.

“Y’know, for all the things he got wrong, that bully was right about one thing.”

“...?”

“We _should_ be boyfriends!”

And all he can think, sitting there with his best friend who basically just confessed to him, all he can think is,

_Maybe things aren’t as bad as I thought. At least, not outside._

**Author's Note:**

> Fun story!
> 
> The other day I had to work on a project and I basically worked the entire day and since it was an overdue project that I didn't turn in on time, my mom was watching me (oh yeah, my mom is the inspiration for Akaashi's mom). But around noon, she took a nap, and since i was super fcking stressed and anxious the whole day, I sorta,,, had a breakdown (i think?). Like, I started getting all those damn thoughts about hurting myself (including vv graphic imaginings of stabbing myself in the stomach with scissors, yikes) and I also started getting a shit ton of thoughts abt suicide!! (yay,,,,). I didn't act on any of these thoughts, of course, except for the fact that I drank like 20 glasses of water, deliriously convinced it would make me throw up (don't ask why I wanted to throw up, I don't know.)
> 
> But yeah, I probably need a therapist.
> 
> Can yall tell me in the comments if that counts as a panic attack? I genuinely don't know.
> 
> EDIT: Y'all, I meant what happened to Akaashi. I don't think what I had was a panic attack, though it was bad.


End file.
